The black leather garnment still dangled accusingly from Robert's
hands. Miss Cam eyed it once again, critically.
"Black leather is all good and well, Pika--none of us would deny the
good work of the EIB," Miss Cam began sternly--her solemn tone
somewhat undermined by how almost everyone present surreptitously
glanced towards the backside of Elrond, even though he was wearing
the more traditional Elven garb. "But you really want to know where
to stop. I mean, Smeagol in Black Leather was not one of your better
There was a collective shudder, and everyone automatically turned to
look at Gollum.
Miss Cam was slightly thrown for a moment, but then resumed, in
chilly tones. "I distinctly heard you mention my birthday, Pika.
Surely you wouldn't go so far as to suggest _that_ was intended for
Pika attempted a very nervous smile. "Erm. No, Ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
Erm... well... " she tried, without much conviction : "Would you
believe it was a remnant from Merry and Pippin's Giant Slash
"Better, but still no," Elrond answered.
"I have certainly not heard anything that would satisfactorily
explain away," Evil!Thranduil uttered threateningly, "why you first
mentioned 'Legolas' in conjunction with the word 'thong' when you
burst out of your room in pursuit of the... of that thing."
Robert and Shada watched Pika meep in the Evil!King of Mirkwood's
glare with the sympathetic but sober look one might have for the
lucky snowball who has survived the first twenty seconds in Hell,
but is now melting fast.
Pika was thinking with terror-induced speed. As she quailed before
Evil!Thranduil, a desperate final idea struck.
"That's right!! I did say Legolas!" she proclaimed wildly. There was
a muted horrified gasp from around her, and Evil!Thranduil's
eyebrows rose sharply. "Absolutely! Legolas fangirl bait!! Just
imagine," she continued frantically, gesturing at the offending
piece of underwear, "what a lure this could be for the Legolusters!!"
The Evil!Father paused.
"Crude," he eventually said, disapprovingly.
"Yes, well, of course, Sire," commented Robert with cheerful
bravado, "but then again, fangirls are rarely good at subtle!" He
stopped for a moment with a grimace of pain, then grinned
again. "Straight to the heart, eh?"
"I don't think this could quite be considered a matter of the
_heart_", Evil!Thranduil answered frostily.
"Still," mused Evil!Denethor, "It has potential."
Miss Cam and Elrond shared a glance.
"Well, we'll wrap this all up then," the Course Coordinator
announced briskly, "if my lords of Evil! are satisfied with this
explanation..." A sharp glance at Pika clearly said that she wasn't,
and that there would be a Talk About This Later.
The Evil!Fathers looked at each other.
"Yes... and no," Evil!Thranduil answered. "Given there are still
some matters not to my liking in all this, I should like Miss Pika
to turn in any other such... items... she might have in her
possession. Unless we have checked them all personally, I shall hold
her fully responsible if anything else of this ilk turns up on the
Miss Cam nodded her approval. "Pika? Let them search your cupboard."
"Bloody brilliant," Pika muttered to herself. She grabbed Robert
standing by, still watching in amusement. "You can come with us too.
If" she added bitingly, "you can refrain from any further unwelcome
comments about what my choices of underwear might be, that is."
"What?!" Robert was caught between grinning and panicking. "Heh.
Sorry about that, but... Hey, why do you want me along?!"
"You're drinking buddies with his Highness, right? C'mon, I need a
little backup here. Besides" Pika added fatalistically, "if you have
a bad hangover, you won't want to hear me screaming in pain, will
The unwilling fellow Staffer in tow, Pika prepared to enter her room
behind the two Evil!Fathers.
"Erm... Pika?" Shada unexpectedly piped up, hesitantly. "While your
room's being invaded and all...," she grinned nervously, "Do you
mind if I use your shower? Only the ones in the student dorms have
been Urpled again..."
Pika glanced at the undercover Staffer's garish hairdo, and nodded
The three apprehensive Real Worlders stepped into the (messy) room.
The Evil!Fathers were already disappearing into Pika's working
"I would just like to point out", Pika muttered sulkily to no-one in
particular, "that I strongly resent this violation of my privacy..."
"I thought you weren't American" said Robert.
"... *Do* you have anything dodgy in there, Pika?" Shada asked, as
Pika nodded miserably.
"We're dead." Robert moaned.
Shada whimpered. Then asked, thoughtfully : "Like what?"
Abruptly, they all shut up as the two investigators emerged from the
walk-in cupboard and headed towards the door behind them, slowly.
"My goodness", said Evil!Denethor tonelessly.
"Indeed." Evil!Thranduil answered in the same monotone. "It appears
that your foul plottings have turned against you, Miss Pika," he
added solemnly. There was a hint of an evil gleam in his eye. "You
should take this opportunity to fully contemplate the error of your
With that, the two Evil!Fathers left the room. Pika could have sworn
she heard a faint shared snigger from the corridor.
"...We're still alive?"
"I didn't like the sound of that," Shada muttered unhappily.
The eyes of the trio were inescapably drawn to the cupboard.
There was a faint shuffling noise from within. Silently, they
watched as one of the doors swung slowly open...
Pika and Shada screamed. Robert, who was standing a little further
back and could not yet see into the cupboard himself, winced and
clutched his head. Then he looked up. And turned green.
"Oh sweet merciful Eru," he whispered. "Not... GRIMA IN *KINKY*
Et voila. That was much fun, I didn't want to post it as fanfic since it's all an OFUM in-joke, but I hope a few people who know what it's about enjoy it here.
Rob wandered slowly through the hall of the Canon Staff quarters,
looking for Gimli, since he was still feeling the effects of Miss Cam's
birthday party. Trying to out-drink several-millenia-old elfs was a bad,
bad, *bad* idea. Rounding a corner, he stopped dead at the sight before
Miss Cam, Elrond, Evil!Denethor, Evil!Thranduil, Eomer and Eowyn were
standing in a huddle around Pika. Eowyn was holding up... something that
wasn't easily identifiable, but seemed to involve black leather. Just
not a lot of it.
"Sweet mericful Eru!" Rob exclaimed. "What the hell is *that?" As all
eyes swung in his direction, he clutched his head and added in a *much*
softer voice, "Ow, ow, ow. Loud noises bad."
"That is what we were trying to find out," Eomer replied. "perhaps you
could be of assistance?"
"I'll give it a shot," Rob replied doubtfully. "Mind if I have a look?"
Eowyn handed the... contraption over in silence, although her expression
spoke volumes. Volumes entitled, "*Someone* Should Suffer For This, Just
On General Principles, If Nothing Else". Unfolding it, Rob looked at it
briefly, then stared at it for a long, frozen moment. "I'm going to go
*waay* out on a limb here and say that it's not yours, Eowyn."
"Of course not!" Eowyn snapped. "Do you think I'd have anything like
that in my possession? Let alone *wear* it?"
Somehow, Rob managed to restrain his near-instinctive reply of, "If half
the things Boromir's said that he's heard coming from your room are
true, then *definitely*." He was in enough pain as it was, and had no
desire to experience more. "Of course not, My Lady," he said instead.
"But I *am* curious as to who it *does* belong to."
The gazes of all present swung to...
"*Pika*?" Rob semi-exclaimed in surprise, before slowly grinning an
unpleasant grin that he must have learned from either Evil!Denethor or
Evil!Thranduil. "Well, well, well. This *is* a surprise," he added.
"It's always the quiet ones you've got to watch out for," he continued
in a mock-serious tone. "After all, you never know when they're going
"Hey!" Pika interrupted. "It's not mine, all right? It's for... uh,
nevermind," she added as she realised the terrible, terrible mistake she
was about to make.
"I distinctly heard my birthday being mentioned," Miss Cam pointed out.
Rob gave the... thing another surprise glance. He'd helped *arrange*
Miss Cam's birthday party, and nothing like this had *ever* been
mentioned. Unless Pika had planned something that she'd kept to herself,
and decided not to implement. "That's probably something I'd best not
think about," he said slowly. "My brain's fragile enough as it is."
"Yes, it probably is," Miss Cam said with a smirk. "Trying to out-drink
Elrond, Gil-Gilad, Thranduil and Evil!Thranduil - whatever were you
"If I was doing something as sensible as thinking, probably something
along the lines of 'Hey, I'm Australian - it's almost a genetic
imperative.' Of course, if I'd been thinking, I wouldn't have bothered
trying in the first place. But I did, and I'm suffering for my sins."
"Yes," Eomer said with a grin of his own. "Yes, you are. On the bright
side though, you're invited to the next Rohan Beer and Barbeque Bash."
"As fascinating as this is," Elrond cut in, saving Rob from the
necessity of replying, "we have wandered quite considerably from the
original topic. I believe Miss Pika was about to explain the reasons for
having such an... object in her possession?"
"Well," Pika said, looing as though she wished she could escape. "It's
Here's some of the story around this picture.
It was from the OFUM RPing group on Yahoo Groups, which i believe is pretty much defunct now. If any of the old team comes by here and wants to be acknowledged for their part in this metafic, welcome to them.
The Thong Incident
[Pika looks fondly on the psychopathic ex-Hobbit rifling through a
pile of shiny black leather garnments, in the large walk-in cupboard
that is in the back of her room at the OFUM]
[Gollum scampers past and out, clutching a rather small confection
that hints rather heavily at "straps"]
GOLLUM : - Sssssexy Preciousss...
PIKA : - Hey! No!
[Pika begins to run after him]
PIKA : - That one's not for you!! It's the special "Spring is in the
air" thong for Legol...
[Pika runs into Evil!Thranduil and Evil!Denethor, passing by an Evil!
Chance in the corridor outside her room at that particular moment]
PIKA : - ... las. *Meep*.
EVIL!THRANDUIL : *grins evilly*
PIKA : *sweatdrop* Did I say Prince Legolas? Ahahaha. No, erm, that
was the, um, um, new bridle! King Eomer asked me to make if I had
any spare time, erm...
[EOWYN, appearing in the corridor, deftly snatches the object of
Pika's discomfort from Gollum trying to pass her. Ignoring wails
of "Precioussss!", she unfolds the leather article carefully,
holding it up in plain view.]
EVIL!DENETHOR : *heavily* - ... A bridle?
EOWYN : - My _brother_ asked you for _this_?...
PIKA : [Meeps again] Erm. No.
[EOWYN begins to train her Icy Shieldmaiden DeathGlare(TM) on the
hapless RL staffer, when to the general surprise a FANGIRL stumbles
round the corner, eyes feverish and half crazed out of her mind with
the exultation of having succeeded in reaching the Staff quarters,
added to lustful plottings of what to do once in said Staff
quarters, added to the terror of discovery once within
aforementioned Staff quarters. She freezes, takes in the scene...
and reaches her prompt personal conclusion.]
FANGIRL : [pointing a triumphant finger at Eowyn holding the dubious
confection.] - HA!! I knew it!!! Slut!Eowyn!!! All my flamers were
wrong wrong wrong!!!
[There is a moment's stunned/terrified/furious silence at this utter
stupidity in the face of certain Death By Staff. It is broken by the
rasping threat of a sword being drawn. *Behind* the fangirl.]
EOMER : [flat] - What was that about my sister?
[Fangirl freezes. Before she can turn to face the mightily pissed
King of the Mark, she is suddenly tackled to the floor by a hissing
flock of mini-Balrogs, drawn instantly to the spot by the multiple
exclamation marks. Eomer smiles widely as the girl is dragged off.
His grin does falter a bit when he notices what his sister is in
fact still holding up.]
EOMER : [puzzled] - And that would be...?
EVIL!THRANDUIL : - Obviously nothing you requested, my lord of the
EOMER : [even more startled.] - Definitely not!
EOWYN : - I'm sure Pika can explain all this in a satisfactory
EVIL!THRANDUIL : - One not involving my son, Eru preserve his sanity.
[Pika is on the receiving end of many heavy looks.]
PIKA : [squirms][thinks fast]- Erm... well, when I said Legolas,
I... no... I mean, that is... [strikes on desperate idea] Well, you
know how it was Miss Cam's birthday...?
[Hard Looks continue. And:]
MISS CAM : [comes into view strolling alongsides Lord Elrond.] - Did
I hear my name?
[deafening silence. Then:]
Good grief, what is that you've got there, Eowyn?